Facing East Again

I think it is always good to reflect on passings and endings. And as I have finally come to the ending of a friendship that I had been desperately holding onto, it is time to reflect on that relationship and let it go. In a few weeks I will make the final cut, and ritually “bury” the past forever, so now I am in the last stage where i have accepted its dead, gone, cold and flatlined and that it happened a long long time ago. 

 
And so I need to look at it for what it was, the good and the bad, and see what lessons I learned from this friendship; what can I take with me and move forward…

This week, so far, has been a huge roller coaster of emotions, and for that I think I am glad. I am bringing resolution to some of the unresolved issues in my life.
 
The biggest resolution was the knowing that, once and for all, forever and ever, the past friendship I had had (the one in which I felt the need to just vanish into the ether of the world from) is gone. Is that the resolution I was hoping for? No. Quite frankly, I knew that it was more likely than not that he would be upset with me, and likely that he would not want me in his life… but I think a (very, VERY, small and pathetic)…

A few years ago I made a mistake. Its a mistake I regret, but it is an indication of larger patterns in my life that I have ignored up until this point. 

I see it now.
14 years ago I cut ties with a friend because I was feeling terrible about myself and worried that I was falling in love with him. 
13 years ago I agreed to marry STBX, because I believed that no one else would ever care for me.
8 years ago my friend came back into my life. He was my best friend and a person that meant a lot to me.
4 years ago I “disappeared” from his life, I moved from the house I was…

This is the hardest part of the year for me, the season of limbo between Samhain and Yule, when everything that is physical slows down and the mental and spiritual aspects of my life rise like cream to the top of my consciousness. The days are getting noticably shorter — it is dark when my alarm goes off at 6am, it is dark while I drive to work, it is darkening when I start off for home… and I know the world is slumbering and the season of “out and about” adventures is done for another year.

Now is that time, at least for me, when the external excitements of the Summer season turn inward to the down home hibernatory activities…

So… what the heck am I up to, lately, other than trying to date the unavailable and to control the urge to throttle my soon to be ex husband (oh YES, I will get the divorce completed!! One way or another I will get this thing done)? In NO particular order:
 

• Attempting to get my house clean… which is an ongoing issue for me because the house, no matter how much I beat the dust bunnies out of the corners and scare them out from under the beds, seem to be breeding at an exceedingly furocious pace — even for dust bunnies. There is a tsunami of laundry waiting me at home, and the odd thing is that I…